I'm Here, But Not
by Nyx Nightshade
Summary: Was Edward really away from Bella the entire time? Alice says he wasn't, and I never bet against Alice... Set during New Moon.


Okay, this is set some time during New Moon. I was just wondering if Edward was really away the whole time. I'm going to bet he wasn't…

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_Bella_

I stared at my ceiling, silently waiting for my alarm clock to beep alerting me that it was time to get up for school. I had already woken up an hour ago from the same nightmare I'd had for who knows how long. I was never able to fall back to sleep after it. His eyes continued to at me so coldly from my mind's eye and his words left me feeling just as cold as his gaze. He didn't love me…

I finally glanced over at the clock and looked at the date in the bottom right corner, it was Saturday. I wanted nothing more than to just lay there and let my life drift away into oblivion, but sadly, I couldn't. Charlie needed me around to cook for him. And maybe… Just maybe…

No, I wouldn't even let myself think that way. He was never coming back, he made that very clear to me. My mind flashed involuntarily again to his cold eyes before he sped away. No, he wasn't coming back.

I rolled onto my stomach and put my head under the pillow to protect myself from the bright rays of the sun. That made me think of all the times I had watched… I couldn't even think his name.

"Bella," my voice sounded raspy from disuse, "you are officially pathetic." It was muffled by the mattress, but got it's point across. I was indeed pathetic, but didn't really want to do much about it. I would go on, I had my memories to keep me company. Surely someone can live off of memories alone, right? I sighed aloud. I've had my taste of Heaven before being thrown out for consorting with His angels. I'd really had no right to think I was allowed to be loved by one…

I decided not to get up today. Charlie could fend for himself for breakfast, and I didn't have to work this afternoon. I would just let it be one more wasted day to add to the pile. Just then, the door nudged open, and Charlie poked his head in.

"Bella dear, are you awake," he whispered, as if he actually expected me to be asleep.

"Yeah dad."

"Oh, well… I'm leaving for work. Are you scheduled to go down to the Newton's today?"

"No." I could almost hear him furrow his brow.

"Well, do you have any other plans?" The hopefulness in his voice almost pained me.

"Not really." He sighed.

"Alright well, have a good day." He eased the door shut and I heard his heavy footsteps as he walked down the stairs. I would not be having a good day. I hadn't had a good day since Edward…

Even hearing his name in my mind caused my chest to seize up and the tears to start. I flung the pillow from my bed and sat up on my knees as the sobs began to wrack my body. He was gone! He wasn't coming back either! I fell onto my side and clutched another pillow to my body, desperately trying to keep the hole in my torso from ripping me apart. But it was too late, the delicate film that had grown over the wounds since last night was torn open again. The pain, the hurt, the overwhelming sadness came pouring out. I laid there for I don't know how long before the tears stopped again.

I couldn't help myself any longer, I had to prove to myself that he had really existed, that this heart wrenching pain hadn't been forever.

"Edward…" I breathed his name like a prayer before slipping under the shroud of oblivion again.

_Edward_

I was sitting in the tree outside her window when I heard her begin to cry again, but she was actually awake this time. Charlie had just come in to check on her before he left for work, and soon after he left, she had just started crying for no apparent reason. Had Charlie upset her by asking if she had plans? I mentally berated myself, it wasn't because of Charlie, it was me. It was all my fault she was this poor, miserable creature. I hadn't succeeded in doing anything but making us both miserable when I had left. I was entirely responsible for this living dead creature that she had become.

The irony of it took me in full force. She was more dead now than she had been if I had changed her after all. The forbidden image of her by my side arose in my mind, she was so lovely, and happy. I let it linger for a moment before quickly banishing it once again to the depths of my mind where it belonged. I stood on the branch and walked nearer to the edge, and her window. I cautiously peered inside, just a glance of her would get me by for awhile.

The first rays of sunlight were falling on her tiny frame, though I would have been able to see her perfectly without them. She had gotten so thin, almost sickly looking. But Bella still looked more amazing than any other creature I had ever seen on the face of the planet. The scent of her tears was slowly diminishing as her crying slowed. Just as it fully stopped, I heard her say something that even I almost had to strain to hear.

"Edward…" I nearly leapt through her still unlocked window then and there. She said my name so desperately, as if she was actually calling to me. But she had no idea I was there, and I couldn't let her, no matter how badly I wanted to.

I sighed myself and dropped to the ground before speeding away into the forest and towards the otherwise empty Cullen house. I had been staying there for nearly a month, keeping an eye on Bella. My family didn't know where I was, and I wasn't going to tell them. I had left my phone in a trash heap somewhere in South America. I still couldn't face them, I couldn't face anyone, including Bella. I was a monster for leaving her, there is no way she would take me back just like that, no matter what she said while she was crying. I had hurt her far too much…

I had promised a clean break, and I would give her one. She needed a chance at a normal, happy, human life. Something I couldn't give her, no matter how much I wanted to. I could never stand to take her soul away, and damn her to the Hell I knew awaited for our kind at the end of this long life.

I would giver her more time, more time to get over me. I would give her another chance at a normal life. Maybe then if it didn't get better, I would go to her and beg her to take be back. But until then, I would have to simply wait, wait and watch.

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